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The Narcissistic End

Happy New Year!!!

Oh how I’ve missed you all!! How have you been?

It’s been a crazy few months between finishing up my fall classes, the holidays and having the ex F.I.N.A.L.L.Y. get the rest of his shit out of my barn. The last particular event – yes, it was an event – is what ultimately has set me free from the ex.

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Unfortunately, it involved the police.

That came as a surprise to me but it really shouldn’t have. Despite his claims to the contrary, he LOVES drama. It is what drives him. He gets a high from it. Positive or negative. He has been an adrenaline junkie from the time he was a toddler (his mother confirmed that).

So prior to coming to get the remainder of his things, he went to the sheriff’s department to let them know there could be a potential issue.

ANNNDDDD there was…………..

The man still owes me some money – not a lot – but a few hundred dolalrs that we agreed to out of the thousands he actually owes me. After loading all of his stuff (2 trucks and 1 trailer worth), handing me the registration to my trailer and a pair of my underwear (gag me), he informed me he didn’t intend to pay me. His exact words were “I said I HAVE the money. I didn’t say I was giving it to you”.

FUCKER.

At that point, I said “fine, I’m calling the police”. He took out his phone and called them himself.

Keep in mind, he couldn’t call and say “she’s demanding I pay her the money I owe her”. Nope – instead, to get them to come, he told them I hit him (which I did NOT – hindsite though, I wish I had).

So he and I are in the middle of my driveway (my poor neighbors), he’s on the phone with the police, screaming “AHHHHH, she’s hitting me” (still not hitting him). At some point I hand off the registration and underwear to my son-in-law (totally not thinking) and he hands them off to my daughter. I’m following him around saying “hang up that God damn phone”. Then his 27 year old son steps between us and says to me “You really need to stop. You know this won’t end well”.

REALLY???? Stop what? Stop challenging him? Stop trying to get him to be an adult for once?

And how dear boy do you think it WILL end?

He was insinuating that his father would hit me.

So I walked away.

Ten minutes later, I have a police officer questioning me, my son-in-law and one of my friends about the incident. Now, all three of them (the ex, his son and his son’s friend) are claiming I hit him. Idiots.

Once the police officer realized what was really going on, she left to go talk to the ex. Her partner was with them while she was with us.

The absolute rage that I felt is indescribable. I have always taught my children to say that they strongly dislike something rather than using the word hate.

This is how narcissists roll – they thrive on the drama, the intensity and trying to make everyone think you are the bad guy. I can only imagine what he’s told his family and friends.

That night, I felt true hate probably for the first time in my life. It was almost as bad as sorrow. I felt that way for a couple of weeks. It finally changed to resolution.

I honestly now believe that it had to end the way it did. As painful and frustrating as it was, I needed that ending and to feel that rage to move on – to close, lock, duct tape, nail and glue that door shut.

The thought of EVER reopening that door, makes me ill. When I’ve verbalized that to my friends and family, every one of them has sighed with relief.

It’s now been 10 months since he moved out. I feel like I’m on my way to being whole again, maybe more so than ever before. Note I said “on my way”. It’s a daily work in progress.

I find myself wondering how I ever allowed myself to stay in that toxic relationship for so long. Sigh…. I guess the truly important thing is to never let it happen again.

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Which brings me to the question, HOW do you begin to trust yourself again?

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend filled with love and laughter!

Peace & love!!!

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Continuing to Move On…………

The 9th of this month will be month number 7 since the breakup.  I have to admit, I was not doing very good for a while there.  After this man had been such an utter dick to not only me but also my family and friends, I truly thought him being out of my life would be easy.

It was NOT.

I missed him; I missed having someone snuggle me; I missed having someone to talk to; I missed having someone who COULD do the “boy” stuff around the house.


After some thought and repeated (self-induced) heartache, I realized that I didn’t miss him – I missed who I wanted him to be.  I wanted him to be my soulmate, my other half, my love.  Instead, he was a tyrant who was constantly angry about something and giving both me and my kids a hard time.  I may have loved him but his actions didn’t show that he loved me.

Of course further fueling the hurt was the fact that he moved back in with his wife (no – they never divorced; yes….I KNOW).  Although he continued to insist that he was just sleeping on the couch, the social media connections his sister, niece and sister-in-law are now making with his wife, indicate something completely different.  And it feels like a betrayal – these same people insisted that she was lazy, a horrible cook (IF she cooked), a drug addict and basically didn’t care at all about family or her husband.

And now they’re buddies…………..

HIS FAMILY said these things about her – as did he.  So the question is, were they simply repeating what he told them?  I now believe so.  God knows what he’s telling them about me.

Sitting around being sad about a man who clearly could toss me aside doesn’t change that THAT is the exact thing he did.   He didn’t want to work on the relationship.   It doesn’t change that he used me.  It doesn’t change that my children HATE him.  It doesn’t change him.

It changes absofreakinlutely nothing. NOTHING.

And I think on some level he knows I’m suffering and enjoys that.  It makes him feel important. And that pisses me off.

In an effort to attempt to heal I found a quote that has significantly helped:  “Suffering changes nothing”.

When I start to think about him or them, I repeat it to myself. Nine times out of ten, it’s all I need.  The times it doesn’t work, I ride it out and tell myself I’ll worry about it tomorrow.  Usually by “tomorrow” it’s history.

In the meantime, I’m enjoying my family, my friends and my puppies.  It IS getting easier each day.  I just wish it weren’t taking so damn long!

 

Peace & love!!

 

 

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The Soulmate Search

 

How do you know if someone is your soulmate or if you even have a soulmate?  Do you need your soulmate actively in your life or do they just pass through, teaching you a few things along the way?  Can your soulmate be your spouse, friend, parent, sibling or child?

Most importantly, where do I find the answers to these nagging questions??

Let’s start with this:  What is a soulmate?

SOULMATE:  noun – a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.

I think each persons definition of “soulmate” is different and unique to their situation.  I believe I have had several different soulmates so far in my life.

The idea of finding your soulmate has been completely romanticized though.  While I believe you do have certain people who you click with, I don’t believe there is just one person for each of us.  I’m not talking about marriage or intimate relationships.

What I believe is that different people mesh with you in different ways throughout different phases of your life.  My close friends each bring a different kind of peace to my life. One is the quintesential mom, one is the “therapist” (partly because that’s her profession), one is the realist, one I can have intellectual conversations with and one I can be my goofiest self with and a couple of them are all those things combined.

One particular soulmate was my last boyfriend.  We brought out the absolute best and the absolute worst in each other.  He both touched my soul and pushed my buttons.

Elizabeth Gilbert author of Eat, Pray Love defines a soulmate this way:

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…

Elizabeth Gilbert – Eat Pray Love

If you haven’t read Eat Pray Love, you really, really should.  It’s an absolutely fabulous book about Elizabeth’s journey to find herself.  Sometimes we need to hear someone elses story before we can find the strength to look for our own.

I believe this was my ex-boyfriends purpose in my life.  The shake you up, tear apart your ego and break your heart open stuff.  I did become desperate and out of control and it became necessary for me to begin to transform my life.   But let me tell you, its scary.  Particularly the part where he left.  But I AM transforming!

So is there another romantic soulmate out there for me?  Gosh, I hope so.  But this time, I could do without the crappy part of it.

I do know that I have been blessed with MANY other non-romantic soulmates.  People who have walked into my life and created sunshine.  I am so very thankful for each of them.

Here’s to the soulmate search!  May it ever be ongoing and may you collect many!

Peace & love!

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Penis Lull

 

 

Although I’m pretty sure “Penis Lull” isn’t a legitimate term or diagnosis, the struggle IS real.

The term sprouted while I was at dinner a few months ago with some friends (a few of us single).  One of my friends said “I’m soooo in a penis lull”.  It is what we have loosely dubbed our current attitude toward the opposite sex.

Penis lull is that kind of “meh” about getting out and dating, coupled with the inability to completely let go of our ex.  While we don’t want the ex’s back and can CLEARLY recite each of their character flaws (i.e. why they’re idiots), we’ve hit an exaggerated dip in the healing process – a lull – and can’t seem to move forward.

Hence, “penis lull”.

On the other side of the coin, a close friend of mine left her husband (of 3 short years) AFTER I broke up with my boyfriend and she already has a new man in her life.  SHE is not in a penis lull.  She hopped right over the dip and jumped back in (and on).

Her breakup was just as, if not more difficult than mine was. So how did she avoid the lull?  Is it simply that she has a stronger self worth than I do?  Does she subscribe to “in order to get over someone, you need to get under someone”?  I personally do not subscribe to that thinking by the way.

I saw her recently and told her that I was still in contact with my ex.  Her response “Do you want me to throat punch you?”  (did I mention she’s a little aggressive?!).

Is her aggressive nature what is keeping her out of the lull?

That could be it!

She is of the mindset that she is not going to let any man bring her down – it is simply NOT going to happen.  So she cut her losses and moved on.  She didn’t lolly gag around and feel sorry for herself.

I want to be able to cut my losses and move on.  I’m not enjoying the penis lull.  It’s horrible.  I have no desire what-so-ever to date.  NONE……..penis lull.

But beyond that, I want to be able to completely let go of the ex.  I want to move on and be ok, really ok, being single.

So what do you do when you think you’re in a penis lull?

Right now, I’m spending as much time as I can with my friends – girl time – delighting in the fact that I can.  I’ve also done a bit of redecorating, crafting, reading, clothes shopping – really enjoying myself.

Is it helping?   Meh………..

😉

Peace & love!

 

 

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5 Signs You’re Codependent

I first pondered the notion that I might have codependent tendencies when my oldest daughter was in the midst of her, shall we say, “rebellion”.  It  was not a good time in our lives, I was a complete wreck, I thought she had lost her mind and it was scaring the crap out of me.  I kept attempting to “make” things better and “fix” her.  Not a good strategy at all.

Somehow, in my mind, if I continued to “help” her, the situation wasn’t REALLY as bad as it was (and it was BAD).  I thought if I was able to help I was still somehow in control.  Turns out, I was never in control.

And thus began the dance…………..for several years – yes YEARS (I tend to be a slow learner).  I wasn’t making the situation any better.  I was prolonging it (hindsight is a wonderful yet frustrating thing).

She knew that I would jump into action when she called with whatever sob story she had concocted that particular day.  I would give her money, buy her food, take her places, help her move, get her a new phone – the list goes on and on and on and……..well, I’m assuming you get the picture.

In the process, my other children felt like they were forgotten. And a lot of the time, their needs became secondary to hers.
My primary focus WAS on her.  My life started to fall apart.  It was hell.

In retrospect, I thought I was keeping her alive (which was my greatest concern – my biggest fear was that I would get the call to identify her body).  Thankfully, that never happened.

But what did happen was, after a very, very long time (because I’m a slow learner), I got sick of it.  I got sick of being in a constant state of chaos; sick of handing over money (always with a promise to THIS time pay me back – also never happened); sick of the excuses; sick of being completely consumed by her issues and so, so, SO sick of the lies.

I started to do a lot of reading and research.  I needed answers.  Why had this happened to our family and for the love of Pete, how?  Most importantly, could I make it stop?

Turns out, you don’t make IT stop; YOU stop.  That too was a very long process.

So, how do you know if you’re codependent?  There are a few tell tale signs.

#1.  Control

This is a BIG one.  When I was trying to “fix” and “help” her that was about control.  I was attempting to manage her and her situation.  I was trying to manage and control how things “looked” to other people – i.e.:  my daughter hadn’t really gone wild – I had it under control.  My intentions were good.  I believed I was doing what I was supposed to do as a parent.  I believed I was still teaching her.

And I was.  I was teaching her how to manipulate me and laid right down and let her do it.  Not a lot of control there was there?

#2.  Poor Boundaries

Do you overshare with people?  I am an over sharer.  I sometimes can’t stop myself.  Even with strangers.  Somewhere in my head I’ll hear a voice saying “STOP TALKING” but I just can’t.

I think this stems from very poor boundaries that were set by my mother and sisters when I was little.  They each told everyone else EVERYTHING about themselves, their kids, their husbands and worst of all, each other.  I remember doing it also when I became an adult.  It was normal to me.  Trust me, its not normal and its not healthy.

#3.  Dependency

Along with the poor boundaries in my family, there was also a lot of dependency.  If I didn’t check in with my mother at a minimum of once a day (as a 35 year old woman), she would call my sisters to see if they had heard from me.  They would then call me to let me know that she was upset that I hadn’t called her.  Never mind that I had children, a husband and a house to take care of (while working full time).  I learned from a very young age to always tell them all where I was going and with whom.  A vacation out of the area was extremely stressful because “God only knows what could happen”.  Sigh.

Decisions about simple things were discussed with my parents and sisters in addition to my husband.  We were all very dependent on one another.

#4.  Low Self-Esteem

I don’t remember really liking who I was until just a few years ago.  I never felt like I was my own person.  I felt as though I was an extension of all these other people and who they wanted me to be.  I do remember being completely consumed with worry about what other people thought about me.  It was the catalyst in most of my decision making and probably why I didn’t trust myself to make a decision alone.

#5.  Pleasing Others and Giving Up Yourself

It’s not unusual for women to put others first.  It’s just what we do.  But when it’s ALL you do, it’s problematic.

Do you do things for yourself?  Do you spend time doing things that only make YOU happy?  Do you ask others to help you or do things for you?  Or is your time consumed completely with work, cleaning, kids, schedules, your parents and your husband?  If you can’t think of a time in the last week that you spent doing something you love for at least 20 minutes, you need to step back and take a good look at whats going on.

There are many good books on codependency.  My favorite is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

And it never hurts to find someone to talk to about it.

The good news is that you CAN stop being codependent.  It isn’t an easy thing to do, it takes work and sometimes that work is difficult.  But you can do it.

I have made significant progress and am happy to report that my daughter is no longer “wild”.  It honestly took me removing myself (some call it tough love – I have a hard time with that) and making her figure out her problems on her own. She did have to hit rock bottom but guess what?  She’s a smart girl – she’s just fine.  She didn’t need her mommy constantly hovering over her and her bad decisions trying to fix them.  Once she realized I wasn’t doing that anymore, she started making better decisions.  Go figure!!!

Hang in there!  Be tough.  You can do it too.  And don’t hesitate to ask for help if you need it.

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My Transgression

When I slept with my ex-boyfriend just a few weeks after he’d moved out, I was thinking maybe we could be “friends with benefits”, really only because I have no desire at this time to start dating and, frankly, I need to get a little once in a while (don’t we all?!).  He’s familiar and still turns (turned) me on.  But deep down, I think I was afraid to let go completely.

What I clearly didn’t think through, however, was that in my ex’s mind, by sleeping with him, I was re-opening the “window” (so to speak) of opportunity for him.  I think he believed he would be moving back in to my house within a relatively short period of time.  Not happening.

So, he came over for dinner, we cooked together like we use to and ate;  we watched tv for a while; we snuggled and then we fucked.  In between all these things, he smoked, drank, critiqued, smoked some weed, critiqued some more, whined that he misses me, smuggly looked around the house like “yep, she’s gonna need me soon – she can’t handle this on her own” and then smoked more weed.  Did I mention he’s always high?

He also has trouble sleeping, so he was up most of the night watching tv.  When morning rolled around, I was up and busy doing housework and homework.  At approximately 11:00AM, when he still wasn’t up, I took him a cup of coffee, sat on the bed and ever so gently woke him up.

Why did I do that?  Let me tell you why – the man needed to leave.  I honestly couldn’t wait for him to get the fuck out.

All this time I thought I missed him.  Turns out, not so much.  What I miss is who I thought he was or better yet who I pretended he was.  Who ever he really is though, is not someone I like – at all.

Now when I look into his eyes, I swear to God he’s crazy.  And when he tries to give me his sad, puppy eyes and says he misses me, I almost want to laugh because it is so damn fake.  I find myself wondering what it was that I even saw in him to begin with.  I can’t even wear the jewelry he gave me without gagging a little.

This whole process has completely sucked. I knew it would which is most likely why I avoided the breakup for such a long time.  I still find myself having “poor spells” – just the other night I sat in my car in the driveway and bawled.  Then parked my ass in the tub with a beer and some ice cream.  BUT I got through it without contacting him.    That night he texted me a heart and a kissy face – I didn’t acknowledge it (still haven’t).

Will I date again?  Probably.  Am I going to live my life for myself?  Hell Yes! ABSOLUTELY!  Will my standards for the next man be higher?  If they aren’t, someone needs to kick my ass.

Ladies, life is short – BE HAPPY, love yourself, you are enough.

I know we all get caught up in the everyday things that go on in our lives and don’t take very good care of ourselves but please, please, please try.

Peace and love girlies!!

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Moving On from a Breakup

 

 

So how long does this process take exactly?  When will he no longer be at the forefront of my thoughts and dreams?  I hate it. I simply HATE it.

I want someone to give me the exact steps that need to be taken to feel better and the exact date that it will happen.  And I want proof.  I want someone to tell me that in two months if you do x, y and z, you won’t even recall that you were in a relationship with that loser.

Don’t get me wrong, I have good days.  Days when I can focus on work, school and my family.  Days when I’m thankful and happy.  Days when I know this was for the best.

And then there are other days when I can still physically feel the pain of my heart break.  Days that I want to crawl under the covers and hide.  Days where I want to call him and beg him to love me again.

Of course the reason we aren’t together is still very clear in my mind.  But somehow, I keep getting stuck on the fact that had he truly loved me, there wouldn’t have been an issue to begin with.

I want to feel his touch, his lips on mine, the warmth of his body next to me.  And then sometimes, I just want to punch him.

It’s all soooo conflicting.

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The Breakup

I first and foremost want to apologize for my absence.  This has been one of the most difficult months of my life.   My heart is filled with absolute sadness.

The man that I have loved (for many years) and I have decided to part ways.  He is a narcissist and I was duped.  I know ultimately, this is for the best.  We are COMPLETE opposites and while opposites do attract, they also can, and generally do, implode.

When I say complete opposites I mean:  he smokes weed, I do not; he doesn’t work, I do; he sleeps until 11:00AM, I’m up at 6:30AM; he believes respect is obligatory, I believe its earned; he thinks he gets points because “he never even cheated on me” and and I think there simply are no words for that statement.  Ultimately, he stole from me and that was the last straw.

And honestly, the list goes on and on.  I saw the writing on the wall a long time ago and ignored it.  I wanted to avoid the “icky” part of breaking up – the painful, gut wrenching, ache that you feel when you hurt.

Over past 5 years I have lost both of my parents, divorced my husband of 2o-some years, watched my daughter go through a horrible addiction and took custody of my grandson.  All while working and raising my other children.  I couldn’t stand the thought of losing One. More. Person.

But now I have.

I’m on the other side of the “icky” part, still feeling the sting but not crying every 20 minutes.  It just sucks.

I am blessed with great kids, great friends and family and a strong will to survive – which I will.

For all of you struggling in a relationship, life is short.  Do what you need to do to be happy.  Even if that means in the short run, you have to be uncomfortable.  Every day I feel a little bit better and stronger.

In the meantime, I will simply trust that this is what I must do.  That the universe knows what’s best.  It’s a process.

Peace and Love.

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Loving An Addict

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So, you love an addict.  You think you can change them.  You whole heartedly believe that your “love” will make them want to change.

You’re wrong.

Let me tell you why ~

1.  Their addiction will ALWAYS come first.  Whatever they do, including trying to behave for you, revolves around their addition.  They will “act” like they’re ok to throw you off about what is really going on.  Listen to me – IT IS AN ACT.  It is one that they have repeated throughout their lives to get what they want – their fix (alcohol, drugs, etc).

Once again, it is an act.  Unless they check themselves into rehab, they’re NOT trying to get better and they don’t want to get better.

2.  They will lie, cheat and steal from you EVERY TIME.  When you begin to think they’re getting better and let your guard down, they will lie, cheat and steal from YOU – the person who is trying to help them.

I want you to think about that.  You are trying to help them and they are bascially flipping you off and laughing at you while they F**K you over.

They know, because you are a good person (which you have repeatedly pointed out to them) that you probably won’t just walk away.

What should you do then?  

WALK AWAY…..no better yet, sprint away.

Here is what is going to happen if you don’t:

~ Your friends and family will get sick of it.  They’ve tried to tell you whats happening but you continually make EXCUSES for the addict.  If you’re lucky, when all is said and done, you’ll still have a few people standing by you.  Some aren’t that lucky – the addict tries to drive everyone else in your life away.

Don’t let them.

~ The addict will literally drain you – emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually.  You will eventually just be too tired to fight it.

Is that truly how you want to live?  Do you want to spend the rest of your life parked in that particular rut?

I don’t – life is too short as it is.

So, what can you do?

First, you have to be done with it.  YOU have to be done with it – not your friends or family – YOU.

It’s going to be difficult to end it because you’re going to feel guilty (there’s that damn word again).  It’s going to hurt, you’re going to be sad but you have to remove yourself from the addict.  Period.  You need to save yourself – they’re not going to.

If they decide to go get help, good.  Make them prove it – make them show you that they intend to work on it.  But don’t let them back into your life until they follow through.  They’ll make all kinds of promises (because thats just what they do).  Actions speak louder than words.

 

You also need help.  Go see a counselor, talk to your pastor, read a few books.  One of my favorites is “Co-dependent No More” (http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454945465&sr=8-1&keywords=codependent+no+more+by+melody+beattie) – you can get it on audiobook from Audible.