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My Transgression

When I slept with my ex-boyfriend just a few weeks after he’d moved out, I was thinking maybe we could be “friends with benefits”, really only because I have no desire at this time to start dating and, frankly, I need to get a little once in a while (don’t we all?!).  He’s familiar and still turns (turned) me on.  But deep down, I think I was afraid to let go completely.

What I clearly didn’t think through, however, was that in my ex’s mind, by sleeping with him, I was re-opening the “window” (so to speak) of opportunity for him.  I think he believed he would be moving back in to my house within a relatively short period of time.  Not happening.

So, he came over for dinner, we cooked together like we use to and ate;  we watched tv for a while; we snuggled and then we fucked.  In between all these things, he smoked, drank, critiqued, smoked some weed, critiqued some more, whined that he misses me, smuggly looked around the house like “yep, she’s gonna need me soon – she can’t handle this on her own” and then smoked more weed.  Did I mention he’s always high?

He also has trouble sleeping, so he was up most of the night watching tv.  When morning rolled around, I was up and busy doing housework and homework.  At approximately 11:00AM, when he still wasn’t up, I took him a cup of coffee, sat on the bed and ever so gently woke him up.

Why did I do that?  Let me tell you why – the man needed to leave.  I honestly couldn’t wait for him to get the fuck out.

All this time I thought I missed him.  Turns out, not so much.  What I miss is who I thought he was or better yet who I pretended he was.  Who ever he really is though, is not someone I like – at all.

Now when I look into his eyes, I swear to God he’s crazy.  And when he tries to give me his sad, puppy eyes and says he misses me, I almost want to laugh because it is so damn fake.  I find myself wondering what it was that I even saw in him to begin with.  I can’t even wear the jewelry he gave me without gagging a little.

This whole process has completely sucked. I knew it would which is most likely why I avoided the breakup for such a long time.  I still find myself having “poor spells” – just the other night I sat in my car in the driveway and bawled.  Then parked my ass in the tub with a beer and some ice cream.  BUT I got through it without contacting him.    That night he texted me a heart and a kissy face – I didn’t acknowledge it (still haven’t).

Will I date again?  Probably.  Am I going to live my life for myself?  Hell Yes! ABSOLUTELY!  Will my standards for the next man be higher?  If they aren’t, someone needs to kick my ass.

Ladies, life is short – BE HAPPY, love yourself, you are enough.

I know we all get caught up in the everyday things that go on in our lives and don’t take very good care of ourselves but please, please, please try.

Peace and love girlies!!

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The Breakup

I first and foremost want to apologize for my absence.  This has been one of the most difficult months of my life.   My heart is filled with absolute sadness.

The man that I have loved (for many years) and I have decided to part ways.  He is a narcissist and I was duped.  I know ultimately, this is for the best.  We are COMPLETE opposites and while opposites do attract, they also can, and generally do, implode.

When I say complete opposites I mean:  he smokes weed, I do not; he doesn’t work, I do; he sleeps until 11:00AM, I’m up at 6:30AM; he believes respect is obligatory, I believe its earned; he thinks he gets points because “he never even cheated on me” and and I think there simply are no words for that statement.  Ultimately, he stole from me and that was the last straw.

And honestly, the list goes on and on.  I saw the writing on the wall a long time ago and ignored it.  I wanted to avoid the “icky” part of breaking up – the painful, gut wrenching, ache that you feel when you hurt.

Over past 5 years I have lost both of my parents, divorced my husband of 2o-some years, watched my daughter go through a horrible addiction and took custody of my grandson.  All while working and raising my other children.  I couldn’t stand the thought of losing One. More. Person.

But now I have.

I’m on the other side of the “icky” part, still feeling the sting but not crying every 20 minutes.  It just sucks.

I am blessed with great kids, great friends and family and a strong will to survive – which I will.

For all of you struggling in a relationship, life is short.  Do what you need to do to be happy.  Even if that means in the short run, you have to be uncomfortable.  Every day I feel a little bit better and stronger.

In the meantime, I will simply trust that this is what I must do.  That the universe knows what’s best.  It’s a process.

Peace and Love.