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My Childrens Father – AKA My Ex

 

 

Within the past two weeks I have done the following:

  • Worked from 8AM-5PM Monday thru Friday
  • Commuted to said job 40 minutes both ways
  • Found out about the death of a friend, attended the funeral and wake
  • Witnessed the birth of my third grandchild after 27 hours of labor – all of which I was there for
  • Taken care of my 12 and 16 year old boys except for the weekend they were with their father (from Friday night to Sunday evening) – which includes feeding them, making sure homework is done, clothes are washed,  children are clean, rooms are picked up, children are happy….etc.
  • Planned meals, grocery shopped (for our household of 4), cooked and served said meals
  • Paid bills (some of which weren’t mine………..)
  • Planned, shopped for and prepared a meal for 15 people – half of whom were my boyfriends family
  • General household duties – ya know, cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning
  • Homework for the 3 classes I’m taking this semester
  • Had my 6 year old grandson one night for a sleepover


Suffice it to say, I’m your typical, busy single mom.  So WHY on this earth do I have to endure my ex, the father of my children, making my life any more difficult? WHHHYYYYY?????

Here’s the issue:  my 16 year old doesn’t like my new boyfriend. Honestly,  I’m not certain he would like any man in my life that wasn’t his father.  How does my ex try to help with this?  By telling the 16 year old he can come live with him if he wants – in a different school district, in an unsuitable neighborhood, and with little to no supervision (from the ex).  W.T.H.????  This, makes the 16 year old incredibly defiant – and why wouldn’t it?  Now, he thinks he has options.  And from his point of view, pretty good ones.

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Here’s what happened:  I receive the 16 year olds five week report from school – not good.  Three, count them, THREE grades below passing.

A little background for you – the rules in my house when there are failing grades are #1.  No electronics   #2.  You’re grounded – period.

After a conversation discussing the rules with him and telling him to hand over his phone, he gets lippy.  My response:  “If you don’t like it, call your father and have him come get you”.  He angrily hops up, stomps off and calls his father with that “I’ll show you” look on his face.

Now, I know how this is going to go – I’ve parented with this man for over 25 years.  I KNOW he doesn’t want full time kids (he never did), I KNOW he won’t come get him (it would be too much of an inconvenience) and I KNOW that somehow he will twist the situation to blame me.

Ten minutes later I find the 16 year old crying in his bedroom because his father won’t come get him.  Shocking.  I feel horrible for him – absolutely horrible.

I get him back downstairs to talk.  He hands over his phone.  He understands he’s grounded, asks “how long”.  I tell him as long as it takes for him to get his grades up.  He’s still crying.  He’s heartbroken.

I’m heartbroken for him.  This is not how it is supposed to be.  The reality, however, is that it IS how it is.

Why would a parent do that to a child?  Why would they tell them they could come live with them if it wasn’t true?

There it is – there’s my rant.  I hate this co-parenting thing – I hate seeing my children hurt.

My hope is that they know I am always here for them.  ALWAYS.

I know so many of you have gone through similar situations.  I would love to hear how you handle it.  How do you cope and make sure you’re doing everything humanly possible to raise happy kids?

Peace and love my soul sisters.

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Our Fostering and Adoption Journey

 

 

As an adoptive parent of two children who were in foster care, I can tell you there is no greater joy.  The boys we adopted – who were 2 and 6 when we adopted them – have been two of the biggest blessings of my life.

Unfortunately, not all adoptions turn out well.  There are many horror stories out there and trust me, I was worried.

Our intent initially was to foster until we found a child, preferably a baby, to adopt.  Our first placement was a twelve year old girl who I will call “A”.  Let me tell you sister, fostering a twelve year old girl is not for the faint of heart.  Fostering, in general, is not for the faint of heart.  It takes a very special person or couple to take in these children, most of them wounded and sad, and care for them like they are your own.

I think some people also have the misbelief that foster and adoptive children should be grateful to be in a “good” home.  First of all, they’re children; few are grateful for anything these days.  Second of all, 98% of them have seen, felt and experienced things that would bring you to your knees.

Our foster daughter had been abused by her step-father and discarded by her mother when the court said this young girl could no longer live with her step-father.  A’s mother had a choice to make and she chose the man over her flesh and blood.  I can’t tell you the number of hours A spent sitting on my lap, rocking and sobbing that she didn’t have a mother.  It was heart wrenching.  On top of that, there was substance abuse, physical abuse and God knows what else that she witnessed prior to coming to us.  She would make references to drugs and sex that I had never heard before.

Even though we were able to get her settled into our home, she kept acting out in school and eventually had to go to a different school district, which meant she had to be moved to a new foster home.  At the time, my daughters were 11 and 13.  They couldn’t understand why A acted out the way she did and why she had to leave.  My youngest daughter was heart broken when A left.  I was too.

So it was at that point we decided we would simply (ha.ha.ha.) adopt rather than foster-to-adopt.

After our experience with a pre-adolescent we decided we didn’t want a child any older than 10.  We were willing to accept a sibling group but no more than two children.  Sounds simple enough – HA HA.

Well, our county generally doesn’t have young children who are adoptable so we kept getting calls for older children.  We kept saying no even as guilty as we felt about it (and it really sucked saying no).  Our caseworker sent our homestudy out to other agencies across the country and we were finally matched with two boys ages 2 and 6. Keep in mind that we were into this process by about 7 months.

We drove 6 hours to meet them.  I knew the instant I saw them that they were my children.

You see, ever since giving birth to my second child, I’d felt like someone was still missing from our family.  I longed for another child.  I prayed for another child.  Almost daily………..I can’t adequately explain the empty feeling I had where this child was supposed to be.  And then, after a 6 hour drive and laying eyes on my sons, the feeling left me.  It’s never returned.

I’m not going to say its been sunshine and roses, because it has not.  Raising children, in general, is not.

The adoption process itself was long and stressful. The six year old had some behavioral issues.  The two year old spent the first week throwing up all over everything because he was so upset.  I have Never in my life been vomited on that much.

But here we are, 10 years later.  Two of the loves of my life – blessings, absolute blessings.  I wouldn’t change a thing.  it was all worth it – the wait, the stress, the vomit – all of it.

The lesson in all of this, for me, has been that the universe has a plan.  We fight it, try to manipulate it and ultimately find that it’s necessary to relinquish ourselves to it.  I’m so thankful the universe sent me these boys.

I hope the universe sends you what you’re wishing for.  Have a blessed day my soul sisters!!!