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Continuing to Move On…………

The 9th of this month will be month number 7 since the breakup.  I have to admit, I was not doing very good for a while there.  After this man had been such an utter dick to not only me but also my family and friends, I truly thought him being out of my life would be easy.

It was NOT.

I missed him; I missed having someone snuggle me; I missed having someone to talk to; I missed having someone who COULD do the “boy” stuff around the house.


After some thought and repeated (self-induced) heartache, I realized that I didn’t miss him – I missed who I wanted him to be.  I wanted him to be my soulmate, my other half, my love.  Instead, he was a tyrant who was constantly angry about something and giving both me and my kids a hard time.  I may have loved him but his actions didn’t show that he loved me.

Of course further fueling the hurt was the fact that he moved back in with his wife (no – they never divorced; yes….I KNOW).  Although he continued to insist that he was just sleeping on the couch, the social media connections his sister, niece and sister-in-law are now making with his wife, indicate something completely different.  And it feels like a betrayal – these same people insisted that she was lazy, a horrible cook (IF she cooked), a drug addict and basically didn’t care at all about family or her husband.

And now they’re buddies…………..

HIS FAMILY said these things about her – as did he.  So the question is, were they simply repeating what he told them?  I now believe so.  God knows what he’s telling them about me.

Sitting around being sad about a man who clearly could toss me aside doesn’t change that THAT is the exact thing he did.   He didn’t want to work on the relationship.   It doesn’t change that he used me.  It doesn’t change that my children HATE him.  It doesn’t change him.

It changes absofreakinlutely nothing. NOTHING.

And I think on some level he knows I’m suffering and enjoys that.  It makes him feel important. And that pisses me off.

In an effort to attempt to heal I found a quote that has significantly helped:  “Suffering changes nothing”.

When I start to think about him or them, I repeat it to myself. Nine times out of ten, it’s all I need.  The times it doesn’t work, I ride it out and tell myself I’ll worry about it tomorrow.  Usually by “tomorrow” it’s history.

In the meantime, I’m enjoying my family, my friends and my puppies.  It IS getting easier each day.  I just wish it weren’t taking so damn long!

 

Peace & love!!

 

 

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The Breakup

I first and foremost want to apologize for my absence.  This has been one of the most difficult months of my life.   My heart is filled with absolute sadness.

The man that I have loved (for many years) and I have decided to part ways.  He is a narcissist and I was duped.  I know ultimately, this is for the best.  We are COMPLETE opposites and while opposites do attract, they also can, and generally do, implode.

When I say complete opposites I mean:  he smokes weed, I do not; he doesn’t work, I do; he sleeps until 11:00AM, I’m up at 6:30AM; he believes respect is obligatory, I believe its earned; he thinks he gets points because “he never even cheated on me” and and I think there simply are no words for that statement.  Ultimately, he stole from me and that was the last straw.

And honestly, the list goes on and on.  I saw the writing on the wall a long time ago and ignored it.  I wanted to avoid the “icky” part of breaking up – the painful, gut wrenching, ache that you feel when you hurt.

Over past 5 years I have lost both of my parents, divorced my husband of 2o-some years, watched my daughter go through a horrible addiction and took custody of my grandson.  All while working and raising my other children.  I couldn’t stand the thought of losing One. More. Person.

But now I have.

I’m on the other side of the “icky” part, still feeling the sting but not crying every 20 minutes.  It just sucks.

I am blessed with great kids, great friends and family and a strong will to survive – which I will.

For all of you struggling in a relationship, life is short.  Do what you need to do to be happy.  Even if that means in the short run, you have to be uncomfortable.  Every day I feel a little bit better and stronger.

In the meantime, I will simply trust that this is what I must do.  That the universe knows what’s best.  It’s a process.

Peace and Love.