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Our Fostering and Adoption Journey

 

 

As an adoptive parent of two children who were in foster care, I can tell you there is no greater joy.  The boys we adopted – who were 2 and 6 when we adopted them – have been two of the biggest blessings of my life.

Unfortunately, not all adoptions turn out well.  There are many horror stories out there and trust me, I was worried.

Our intent initially was to foster until we found a child, preferably a baby, to adopt.  Our first placement was a twelve year old girl who I will call “A”.  Let me tell you sister, fostering a twelve year old girl is not for the faint of heart.  Fostering, in general, is not for the faint of heart.  It takes a very special person or couple to take in these children, most of them wounded and sad, and care for them like they are your own.

I think some people also have the misbelief that foster and adoptive children should be grateful to be in a “good” home.  First of all, they’re children; few are grateful for anything these days.  Second of all, 98% of them have seen, felt and experienced things that would bring you to your knees.

Our foster daughter had been abused by her step-father and discarded by her mother when the court said this young girl could no longer live with her step-father.  A’s mother had a choice to make and she chose the man over her flesh and blood.  I can’t tell you the number of hours A spent sitting on my lap, rocking and sobbing that she didn’t have a mother.  It was heart wrenching.  On top of that, there was substance abuse, physical abuse and God knows what else that she witnessed prior to coming to us.  She would make references to drugs and sex that I had never heard before.

Even though we were able to get her settled into our home, she kept acting out in school and eventually had to go to a different school district, which meant she had to be moved to a new foster home.  At the time, my daughters were 11 and 13.  They couldn’t understand why A acted out the way she did and why she had to leave.  My youngest daughter was heart broken when A left.  I was too.

So it was at that point we decided we would simply (ha.ha.ha.) adopt rather than foster-to-adopt.

After our experience with a pre-adolescent we decided we didn’t want a child any older than 10.  We were willing to accept a sibling group but no more than two children.  Sounds simple enough – HA HA.

Well, our county generally doesn’t have young children who are adoptable so we kept getting calls for older children.  We kept saying no even as guilty as we felt about it (and it really sucked saying no).  Our caseworker sent our homestudy out to other agencies across the country and we were finally matched with two boys ages 2 and 6. Keep in mind that we were into this process by about 7 months.

We drove 6 hours to meet them.  I knew the instant I saw them that they were my children.

You see, ever since giving birth to my second child, I’d felt like someone was still missing from our family.  I longed for another child.  I prayed for another child.  Almost daily………..I can’t adequately explain the empty feeling I had where this child was supposed to be.  And then, after a 6 hour drive and laying eyes on my sons, the feeling left me.  It’s never returned.

I’m not going to say its been sunshine and roses, because it has not.  Raising children, in general, is not.

The adoption process itself was long and stressful. The six year old had some behavioral issues.  The two year old spent the first week throwing up all over everything because he was so upset.  I have Never in my life been vomited on that much.

But here we are, 10 years later.  Two of the loves of my life – blessings, absolute blessings.  I wouldn’t change a thing.  it was all worth it – the wait, the stress, the vomit – all of it.

The lesson in all of this, for me, has been that the universe has a plan.  We fight it, try to manipulate it and ultimately find that it’s necessary to relinquish ourselves to it.  I’m so thankful the universe sent me these boys.

I hope the universe sends you what you’re wishing for.  Have a blessed day my soul sisters!!!

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My Transgression

When I slept with my ex-boyfriend just a few weeks after he’d moved out, I was thinking maybe we could be “friends with benefits”, really only because I have no desire at this time to start dating and, frankly, I need to get a little once in a while (don’t we all?!).  He’s familiar and still turns (turned) me on.  But deep down, I think I was afraid to let go completely.

What I clearly didn’t think through, however, was that in my ex’s mind, by sleeping with him, I was re-opening the “window” (so to speak) of opportunity for him.  I think he believed he would be moving back in to my house within a relatively short period of time.  Not happening.

So, he came over for dinner, we cooked together like we use to and ate;  we watched tv for a while; we snuggled and then we fucked.  In between all these things, he smoked, drank, critiqued, smoked some weed, critiqued some more, whined that he misses me, smuggly looked around the house like “yep, she’s gonna need me soon – she can’t handle this on her own” and then smoked more weed.  Did I mention he’s always high?

He also has trouble sleeping, so he was up most of the night watching tv.  When morning rolled around, I was up and busy doing housework and homework.  At approximately 11:00AM, when he still wasn’t up, I took him a cup of coffee, sat on the bed and ever so gently woke him up.

Why did I do that?  Let me tell you why – the man needed to leave.  I honestly couldn’t wait for him to get the fuck out.

All this time I thought I missed him.  Turns out, not so much.  What I miss is who I thought he was or better yet who I pretended he was.  Who ever he really is though, is not someone I like – at all.

Now when I look into his eyes, I swear to God he’s crazy.  And when he tries to give me his sad, puppy eyes and says he misses me, I almost want to laugh because it is so damn fake.  I find myself wondering what it was that I even saw in him to begin with.  I can’t even wear the jewelry he gave me without gagging a little.

This whole process has completely sucked. I knew it would which is most likely why I avoided the breakup for such a long time.  I still find myself having “poor spells” – just the other night I sat in my car in the driveway and bawled.  Then parked my ass in the tub with a beer and some ice cream.  BUT I got through it without contacting him.    That night he texted me a heart and a kissy face – I didn’t acknowledge it (still haven’t).

Will I date again?  Probably.  Am I going to live my life for myself?  Hell Yes! ABSOLUTELY!  Will my standards for the next man be higher?  If they aren’t, someone needs to kick my ass.

Ladies, life is short – BE HAPPY, love yourself, you are enough.

I know we all get caught up in the everyday things that go on in our lives and don’t take very good care of ourselves but please, please, please try.

Peace and love girlies!!

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Loving An Addict

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So, you love an addict.  You think you can change them.  You whole heartedly believe that your “love” will make them want to change.

You’re wrong.

Let me tell you why ~

1.  Their addiction will ALWAYS come first.  Whatever they do, including trying to behave for you, revolves around their addition.  They will “act” like they’re ok to throw you off about what is really going on.  Listen to me – IT IS AN ACT.  It is one that they have repeated throughout their lives to get what they want – their fix (alcohol, drugs, etc).

Once again, it is an act.  Unless they check themselves into rehab, they’re NOT trying to get better and they don’t want to get better.

2.  They will lie, cheat and steal from you EVERY TIME.  When you begin to think they’re getting better and let your guard down, they will lie, cheat and steal from YOU – the person who is trying to help them.

I want you to think about that.  You are trying to help them and they are bascially flipping you off and laughing at you while they F**K you over.

They know, because you are a good person (which you have repeatedly pointed out to them) that you probably won’t just walk away.

What should you do then?  

WALK AWAY…..no better yet, sprint away.

Here is what is going to happen if you don’t:

~ Your friends and family will get sick of it.  They’ve tried to tell you whats happening but you continually make EXCUSES for the addict.  If you’re lucky, when all is said and done, you’ll still have a few people standing by you.  Some aren’t that lucky – the addict tries to drive everyone else in your life away.

Don’t let them.

~ The addict will literally drain you – emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually.  You will eventually just be too tired to fight it.

Is that truly how you want to live?  Do you want to spend the rest of your life parked in that particular rut?

I don’t – life is too short as it is.

So, what can you do?

First, you have to be done with it.  YOU have to be done with it – not your friends or family – YOU.

It’s going to be difficult to end it because you’re going to feel guilty (there’s that damn word again).  It’s going to hurt, you’re going to be sad but you have to remove yourself from the addict.  Period.  You need to save yourself – they’re not going to.

If they decide to go get help, good.  Make them prove it – make them show you that they intend to work on it.  But don’t let them back into your life until they follow through.  They’ll make all kinds of promises (because thats just what they do).  Actions speak louder than words.

 

You also need help.  Go see a counselor, talk to your pastor, read a few books.  One of my favorites is “Co-dependent No More” (http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454945465&sr=8-1&keywords=codependent+no+more+by+melody+beattie) – you can get it on audiobook from Audible.