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The Narcissistic End

Happy New Year!!!

Oh how I’ve missed you all!! How have you been?

It’s been a crazy few months between finishing up my fall classes, the holidays and having the ex F.I.N.A.L.L.Y. get the rest of his shit out of my barn. The last particular event – yes, it was an event – is what ultimately has set me free from the ex.

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Unfortunately, it involved the police.

That came as a surprise to me but it really shouldn’t have. Despite his claims to the contrary, he LOVES drama. It is what drives him. He gets a high from it. Positive or negative. He has been an adrenaline junkie from the time he was a toddler (his mother confirmed that).

So prior to coming to get the remainder of his things, he went to the sheriff’s department to let them know there could be a potential issue.

ANNNDDDD there was…………..

The man still owes me some money – not a lot – but a few hundred dolalrs that we agreed to out of the thousands he actually owes me. After loading all of his stuff (2 trucks and 1 trailer worth), handing me the registration to my trailer and a pair of my underwear (gag me), he informed me he didn’t intend to pay me. His exact words were “I said I HAVE the money. I didn’t say I was giving it to you”.

FUCKER.

At that point, I said “fine, I’m calling the police”. He took out his phone and called them himself.

Keep in mind, he couldn’t call and say “she’s demanding I pay her the money I owe her”. Nope – instead, to get them to come, he told them I hit him (which I did NOT – hindsite though, I wish I had).

So he and I are in the middle of my driveway (my poor neighbors), he’s on the phone with the police, screaming “AHHHHH, she’s hitting me” (still not hitting him). At some point I hand off the registration and underwear to my son-in-law (totally not thinking) and he hands them off to my daughter. I’m following him around saying “hang up that God damn phone”. Then his 27 year old son steps between us and says to me “You really need to stop. You know this won’t end well”.

REALLY???? Stop what? Stop challenging him? Stop trying to get him to be an adult for once?

And how dear boy do you think it WILL end?

He was insinuating that his father would hit me.

So I walked away.

Ten minutes later, I have a police officer questioning me, my son-in-law and one of my friends about the incident. Now, all three of them (the ex, his son and his son’s friend) are claiming I hit him. Idiots.

Once the police officer realized what was really going on, she left to go talk to the ex. Her partner was with them while she was with us.

The absolute rage that I felt is indescribable. I have always taught my children to say that they strongly dislike something rather than using the word hate.

This is how narcissists roll – they thrive on the drama, the intensity and trying to make everyone think you are the bad guy. I can only imagine what he’s told his family and friends.

That night, I felt true hate probably for the first time in my life. It was almost as bad as sorrow. I felt that way for a couple of weeks. It finally changed to resolution.

I honestly now believe that it had to end the way it did. As painful and frustrating as it was, I needed that ending and to feel that rage to move on – to close, lock, duct tape, nail and glue that door shut.

The thought of EVER reopening that door, makes me ill. When I’ve verbalized that to my friends and family, every one of them has sighed with relief.

It’s now been 10 months since he moved out. I feel like I’m on my way to being whole again, maybe more so than ever before. Note I said “on my way”. It’s a daily work in progress.

I find myself wondering how I ever allowed myself to stay in that toxic relationship for so long. Sigh…. I guess the truly important thing is to never let it happen again.

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Which brings me to the question, HOW do you begin to trust yourself again?

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend filled with love and laughter!

Peace & love!!!

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The Soulmate Search

 

How do you know if someone is your soulmate or if you even have a soulmate?  Do you need your soulmate actively in your life or do they just pass through, teaching you a few things along the way?  Can your soulmate be your spouse, friend, parent, sibling or child?

Most importantly, where do I find the answers to these nagging questions??

Let’s start with this:  What is a soulmate?

SOULMATE:  noun – a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.

I think each persons definition of “soulmate” is different and unique to their situation.  I believe I have had several different soulmates so far in my life.

The idea of finding your soulmate has been completely romanticized though.  While I believe you do have certain people who you click with, I don’t believe there is just one person for each of us.  I’m not talking about marriage or intimate relationships.

What I believe is that different people mesh with you in different ways throughout different phases of your life.  My close friends each bring a different kind of peace to my life. One is the quintesential mom, one is the “therapist” (partly because that’s her profession), one is the realist, one I can have intellectual conversations with and one I can be my goofiest self with and a couple of them are all those things combined.

One particular soulmate was my last boyfriend.  We brought out the absolute best and the absolute worst in each other.  He both touched my soul and pushed my buttons.

Elizabeth Gilbert author of Eat, Pray Love defines a soulmate this way:

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…

Elizabeth Gilbert – Eat Pray Love

If you haven’t read Eat Pray Love, you really, really should.  It’s an absolutely fabulous book about Elizabeth’s journey to find herself.  Sometimes we need to hear someone elses story before we can find the strength to look for our own.

I believe this was my ex-boyfriends purpose in my life.  The shake you up, tear apart your ego and break your heart open stuff.  I did become desperate and out of control and it became necessary for me to begin to transform my life.   But let me tell you, its scary.  Particularly the part where he left.  But I AM transforming!

So is there another romantic soulmate out there for me?  Gosh, I hope so.  But this time, I could do without the crappy part of it.

I do know that I have been blessed with MANY other non-romantic soulmates.  People who have walked into my life and created sunshine.  I am so very thankful for each of them.

Here’s to the soulmate search!  May it ever be ongoing and may you collect many!

Peace & love!

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Penis Lull

 

 

Although I’m pretty sure “Penis Lull” isn’t a legitimate term or diagnosis, the struggle IS real.

The term sprouted while I was at dinner a few months ago with some friends (a few of us single).  One of my friends said “I’m soooo in a penis lull”.  It is what we have loosely dubbed our current attitude toward the opposite sex.

Penis lull is that kind of “meh” about getting out and dating, coupled with the inability to completely let go of our ex.  While we don’t want the ex’s back and can CLEARLY recite each of their character flaws (i.e. why they’re idiots), we’ve hit an exaggerated dip in the healing process – a lull – and can’t seem to move forward.

Hence, “penis lull”.

On the other side of the coin, a close friend of mine left her husband (of 3 short years) AFTER I broke up with my boyfriend and she already has a new man in her life.  SHE is not in a penis lull.  She hopped right over the dip and jumped back in (and on).

Her breakup was just as, if not more difficult than mine was. So how did she avoid the lull?  Is it simply that she has a stronger self worth than I do?  Does she subscribe to “in order to get over someone, you need to get under someone”?  I personally do not subscribe to that thinking by the way.

I saw her recently and told her that I was still in contact with my ex.  Her response “Do you want me to throat punch you?”  (did I mention she’s a little aggressive?!).

Is her aggressive nature what is keeping her out of the lull?

That could be it!

She is of the mindset that she is not going to let any man bring her down – it is simply NOT going to happen.  So she cut her losses and moved on.  She didn’t lolly gag around and feel sorry for herself.

I want to be able to cut my losses and move on.  I’m not enjoying the penis lull.  It’s horrible.  I have no desire what-so-ever to date.  NONE……..penis lull.

But beyond that, I want to be able to completely let go of the ex.  I want to move on and be ok, really ok, being single.

So what do you do when you think you’re in a penis lull?

Right now, I’m spending as much time as I can with my friends – girl time – delighting in the fact that I can.  I’ve also done a bit of redecorating, crafting, reading, clothes shopping – really enjoying myself.

Is it helping?   Meh………..

😉

Peace & love!

 

 

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My Childrens Father – AKA My Ex

 

 

Within the past two weeks I have done the following:

  • Worked from 8AM-5PM Monday thru Friday
  • Commuted to said job 40 minutes both ways
  • Found out about the death of a friend, attended the funeral and wake
  • Witnessed the birth of my third grandchild after 27 hours of labor – all of which I was there for
  • Taken care of my 12 and 16 year old boys except for the weekend they were with their father (from Friday night to Sunday evening) – which includes feeding them, making sure homework is done, clothes are washed,  children are clean, rooms are picked up, children are happy….etc.
  • Planned meals, grocery shopped (for our household of 4), cooked and served said meals
  • Paid bills (some of which weren’t mine………..)
  • Planned, shopped for and prepared a meal for 15 people – half of whom were my boyfriends family
  • General household duties – ya know, cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning
  • Homework for the 3 classes I’m taking this semester
  • Had my 6 year old grandson one night for a sleepover


Suffice it to say, I’m your typical, busy single mom.  So WHY on this earth do I have to endure my ex, the father of my children, making my life any more difficult? WHHHYYYYY?????

Here’s the issue:  my 16 year old doesn’t like my new boyfriend. Honestly,  I’m not certain he would like any man in my life that wasn’t his father.  How does my ex try to help with this?  By telling the 16 year old he can come live with him if he wants – in a different school district, in an unsuitable neighborhood, and with little to no supervision (from the ex).  W.T.H.????  This, makes the 16 year old incredibly defiant – and why wouldn’t it?  Now, he thinks he has options.  And from his point of view, pretty good ones.

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Here’s what happened:  I receive the 16 year olds five week report from school – not good.  Three, count them, THREE grades below passing.

A little background for you – the rules in my house when there are failing grades are #1.  No electronics   #2.  You’re grounded – period.

After a conversation discussing the rules with him and telling him to hand over his phone, he gets lippy.  My response:  “If you don’t like it, call your father and have him come get you”.  He angrily hops up, stomps off and calls his father with that “I’ll show you” look on his face.

Now, I know how this is going to go – I’ve parented with this man for over 25 years.  I KNOW he doesn’t want full time kids (he never did), I KNOW he won’t come get him (it would be too much of an inconvenience) and I KNOW that somehow he will twist the situation to blame me.

Ten minutes later I find the 16 year old crying in his bedroom because his father won’t come get him.  Shocking.  I feel horrible for him – absolutely horrible.

I get him back downstairs to talk.  He hands over his phone.  He understands he’s grounded, asks “how long”.  I tell him as long as it takes for him to get his grades up.  He’s still crying.  He’s heartbroken.

I’m heartbroken for him.  This is not how it is supposed to be.  The reality, however, is that it IS how it is.

Why would a parent do that to a child?  Why would they tell them they could come live with them if it wasn’t true?

There it is – there’s my rant.  I hate this co-parenting thing – I hate seeing my children hurt.

My hope is that they know I am always here for them.  ALWAYS.

I know so many of you have gone through similar situations.  I would love to hear how you handle it.  How do you cope and make sure you’re doing everything humanly possible to raise happy kids?

Peace and love my soul sisters.

Chalk Board Paint Trays

I found the CUTEST chalk project on Pinterest recently.    It is a repurposed silver/metal tray painted with chalk paint.

What you need to complete one of these projects is:

– a silver/metal tray
– chalk paint
– printer (to print out lettering)

Wash the tray thoroughly and apply your chalk paint – let dry and apply your lettering by putting chalk on the back side of the word, place it where you want and trace over the letters.  This will transfer the chalk to the black chalk paint so you can then paint on your letters.   I free hand drew the border.  Easy peasy!!!  I also covered the “Love” tray with a matt varnish.

The clipboard below is 6inx4in and isn’t sealed so it can be written on with chalk.  Happy crafting!!!!

If you aren’t feeling crafty, you can hop on over to my Etsy shop and purchase these items!!!  Search for SoulSistersUnleashed!

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What Makes A Man?

 

 

Recently I  came across the following article on my computer.  I must have saved it several years ago.  It resonates very deeply with me right now as I am going through some changes in my current relationship.  Although we aren’t married (THANK GOD) it still applies.

The Role of the Man in the Family

According to Dr. Phil, if men want to be successful in their marriage and family life, they have to change and broaden their definition of what it means to be successful as a man. Being a good provider, protector, leader and teacher is a privilege that comes with responsibilities that many men aren’t aware of.

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A Provider

Most men believe that being a good provider means supporting a family financially. It means much more than that. A man should also contribute to the emotional, spiritual, physical and mental well-being of his family. In order to do this, he must recognize that there are other currencies, in addition to money, that need to be provided.

A Protector
This means more than beating up the guy next door if he insults your wife. It means protecting her self-esteem and self-worth as well as your children’s. It can also mean protecting your way of life and guarding against any threats to the things that you and your family value.

A Leader

Instead of waiting for your wife to take the initiative when you are having problems, take the lead. Get in the game and create what you want in your family instead of whining about your family situation. Marriage is not a 50/50 partnership. It’s a 100/100 partnership. That means you give 100 percent. And remember, you get what you give.

A Teacher

What are you teaching those around you — especially your children — with your behavior? It’s important to provide a good example for your children, loved ones and community with both words and deeds. Set high standards and teach by doing.

Let’s point by point analyze my current relationship, shall we?

1.  A Provider ~ well…………not so much.  He actually doesn’t contribute to the household monetarily.  Our deal was for him to take care of the house and lawn, be around for the kids (who are 12 & 16) and cook, clean, etc since I work full time.

In the beginning, he did some cooking and cleaning.  Recently, its sporatic.  And he doesn’t interact with the kids in a positive way at all unless forced.

2.  A Protector ~ he succeeds at this in the sense that I know we’re safe with him at the house.  But only in that particular area.

3.  A Leader ~ he wants to be the leader.  He also wants everyone to respect him.  However, rather than earning it, he demands it.

4. A Teacher ~ he wants to also be a teacher but I’m not entirely certain I want my kids to learn what he has to share.

So here I am, at 40-something, ready to start over again.  Sigh.  But after a year and 1/2 with nothing really changing, what choice do I have?

Tell me, what would you do?