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The Narcissistic End

Happy New Year!!!

Oh how I’ve missed you all!! How have you been?

It’s been a crazy few months between finishing up my fall classes, the holidays and having the ex F.I.N.A.L.L.Y. get the rest of his shit out of my barn. The last particular event – yes, it was an event – is what ultimately has set me free from the ex.

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Unfortunately, it involved the police.

That came as a surprise to me but it really shouldn’t have. Despite his claims to the contrary, he LOVES drama. It is what drives him. He gets a high from it. Positive or negative. He has been an adrenaline junkie from the time he was a toddler (his mother confirmed that).

So prior to coming to get the remainder of his things, he went to the sheriff’s department to let them know there could be a potential issue.

ANNNDDDD there was…………..

The man still owes me some money – not a lot – but a few hundred dolalrs that we agreed to out of the thousands he actually owes me. After loading all of his stuff (2 trucks and 1 trailer worth), handing me the registration to my trailer and a pair of my underwear (gag me), he informed me he didn’t intend to pay me. His exact words were “I said I HAVE the money. I didn’t say I was giving it to you”.

FUCKER.

At that point, I said “fine, I’m calling the police”. He took out his phone and called them himself.

Keep in mind, he couldn’t call and say “she’s demanding I pay her the money I owe her”. Nope – instead, to get them to come, he told them I hit him (which I did NOT – hindsite though, I wish I had).

So he and I are in the middle of my driveway (my poor neighbors), he’s on the phone with the police, screaming “AHHHHH, she’s hitting me” (still not hitting him). At some point I hand off the registration and underwear to my son-in-law (totally not thinking) and he hands them off to my daughter. I’m following him around saying “hang up that God damn phone”. Then his 27 year old son steps between us and says to me “You really need to stop. You know this won’t end well”.

REALLY???? Stop what? Stop challenging him? Stop trying to get him to be an adult for once?

And how dear boy do you think it WILL end?

He was insinuating that his father would hit me.

So I walked away.

Ten minutes later, I have a police officer questioning me, my son-in-law and one of my friends about the incident. Now, all three of them (the ex, his son and his son’s friend) are claiming I hit him. Idiots.

Once the police officer realized what was really going on, she left to go talk to the ex. Her partner was with them while she was with us.

The absolute rage that I felt is indescribable. I have always taught my children to say that they strongly dislike something rather than using the word hate.

This is how narcissists roll – they thrive on the drama, the intensity and trying to make everyone think you are the bad guy. I can only imagine what he’s told his family and friends.

That night, I felt true hate probably for the first time in my life. It was almost as bad as sorrow. I felt that way for a couple of weeks. It finally changed to resolution.

I honestly now believe that it had to end the way it did. As painful and frustrating as it was, I needed that ending and to feel that rage to move on – to close, lock, duct tape, nail and glue that door shut.

The thought of EVER reopening that door, makes me ill. When I’ve verbalized that to my friends and family, every one of them has sighed with relief.

It’s now been 10 months since he moved out. I feel like I’m on my way to being whole again, maybe more so than ever before. Note I said “on my way”. It’s a daily work in progress.

I find myself wondering how I ever allowed myself to stay in that toxic relationship for so long. Sigh…. I guess the truly important thing is to never let it happen again.

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Which brings me to the question, HOW do you begin to trust yourself again?

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend filled with love and laughter!

Peace & love!!!

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Continuing to Move On…………

The 9th of this month will be month number 7 since the breakup.  I have to admit, I was not doing very good for a while there.  After this man had been such an utter dick to not only me but also my family and friends, I truly thought him being out of my life would be easy.

It was NOT.

I missed him; I missed having someone snuggle me; I missed having someone to talk to; I missed having someone who COULD do the “boy” stuff around the house.


After some thought and repeated (self-induced) heartache, I realized that I didn’t miss him – I missed who I wanted him to be.  I wanted him to be my soulmate, my other half, my love.  Instead, he was a tyrant who was constantly angry about something and giving both me and my kids a hard time.  I may have loved him but his actions didn’t show that he loved me.

Of course further fueling the hurt was the fact that he moved back in with his wife (no – they never divorced; yes….I KNOW).  Although he continued to insist that he was just sleeping on the couch, the social media connections his sister, niece and sister-in-law are now making with his wife, indicate something completely different.  And it feels like a betrayal – these same people insisted that she was lazy, a horrible cook (IF she cooked), a drug addict and basically didn’t care at all about family or her husband.

And now they’re buddies…………..

HIS FAMILY said these things about her – as did he.  So the question is, were they simply repeating what he told them?  I now believe so.  God knows what he’s telling them about me.

Sitting around being sad about a man who clearly could toss me aside doesn’t change that THAT is the exact thing he did.   He didn’t want to work on the relationship.   It doesn’t change that he used me.  It doesn’t change that my children HATE him.  It doesn’t change him.

It changes absofreakinlutely nothing. NOTHING.

And I think on some level he knows I’m suffering and enjoys that.  It makes him feel important. And that pisses me off.

In an effort to attempt to heal I found a quote that has significantly helped:  “Suffering changes nothing”.

When I start to think about him or them, I repeat it to myself. Nine times out of ten, it’s all I need.  The times it doesn’t work, I ride it out and tell myself I’ll worry about it tomorrow.  Usually by “tomorrow” it’s history.

In the meantime, I’m enjoying my family, my friends and my puppies.  It IS getting easier each day.  I just wish it weren’t taking so damn long!

 

Peace & love!!

 

 

life

The Soulmate Search

 

How do you know if someone is your soulmate or if you even have a soulmate?  Do you need your soulmate actively in your life or do they just pass through, teaching you a few things along the way?  Can your soulmate be your spouse, friend, parent, sibling or child?

Most importantly, where do I find the answers to these nagging questions??

Let’s start with this:  What is a soulmate?

SOULMATE:  noun – a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.

I think each persons definition of “soulmate” is different and unique to their situation.  I believe I have had several different soulmates so far in my life.

The idea of finding your soulmate has been completely romanticized though.  While I believe you do have certain people who you click with, I don’t believe there is just one person for each of us.  I’m not talking about marriage or intimate relationships.

What I believe is that different people mesh with you in different ways throughout different phases of your life.  My close friends each bring a different kind of peace to my life. One is the quintesential mom, one is the “therapist” (partly because that’s her profession), one is the realist, one I can have intellectual conversations with and one I can be my goofiest self with and a couple of them are all those things combined.

One particular soulmate was my last boyfriend.  We brought out the absolute best and the absolute worst in each other.  He both touched my soul and pushed my buttons.

Elizabeth Gilbert author of Eat, Pray Love defines a soulmate this way:

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…

Elizabeth Gilbert – Eat Pray Love

If you haven’t read Eat Pray Love, you really, really should.  It’s an absolutely fabulous book about Elizabeth’s journey to find herself.  Sometimes we need to hear someone elses story before we can find the strength to look for our own.

I believe this was my ex-boyfriends purpose in my life.  The shake you up, tear apart your ego and break your heart open stuff.  I did become desperate and out of control and it became necessary for me to begin to transform my life.   But let me tell you, its scary.  Particularly the part where he left.  But I AM transforming!

So is there another romantic soulmate out there for me?  Gosh, I hope so.  But this time, I could do without the crappy part of it.

I do know that I have been blessed with MANY other non-romantic soulmates.  People who have walked into my life and created sunshine.  I am so very thankful for each of them.

Here’s to the soulmate search!  May it ever be ongoing and may you collect many!

Peace & love!

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Hammock

Penis Lull

 

 

Although I’m pretty sure “Penis Lull” isn’t a legitimate term or diagnosis, the struggle IS real.

The term sprouted while I was at dinner a few months ago with some friends (a few of us single).  One of my friends said “I’m soooo in a penis lull”.  It is what we have loosely dubbed our current attitude toward the opposite sex.

Penis lull is that kind of “meh” about getting out and dating, coupled with the inability to completely let go of our ex.  While we don’t want the ex’s back and can CLEARLY recite each of their character flaws (i.e. why they’re idiots), we’ve hit an exaggerated dip in the healing process – a lull – and can’t seem to move forward.

Hence, “penis lull”.

On the other side of the coin, a close friend of mine left her husband (of 3 short years) AFTER I broke up with my boyfriend and she already has a new man in her life.  SHE is not in a penis lull.  She hopped right over the dip and jumped back in (and on).

Her breakup was just as, if not more difficult than mine was. So how did she avoid the lull?  Is it simply that she has a stronger self worth than I do?  Does she subscribe to “in order to get over someone, you need to get under someone”?  I personally do not subscribe to that thinking by the way.

I saw her recently and told her that I was still in contact with my ex.  Her response “Do you want me to throat punch you?”  (did I mention she’s a little aggressive?!).

Is her aggressive nature what is keeping her out of the lull?

That could be it!

She is of the mindset that she is not going to let any man bring her down – it is simply NOT going to happen.  So she cut her losses and moved on.  She didn’t lolly gag around and feel sorry for herself.

I want to be able to cut my losses and move on.  I’m not enjoying the penis lull.  It’s horrible.  I have no desire what-so-ever to date.  NONE……..penis lull.

But beyond that, I want to be able to completely let go of the ex.  I want to move on and be ok, really ok, being single.

So what do you do when you think you’re in a penis lull?

Right now, I’m spending as much time as I can with my friends – girl time – delighting in the fact that I can.  I’ve also done a bit of redecorating, crafting, reading, clothes shopping – really enjoying myself.

Is it helping?   Meh………..

😉

Peace & love!