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The Narcissistic End

Happy New Year!!!

Oh how I’ve missed you all!! How have you been?

It’s been a crazy few months between finishing up my fall classes, the holidays and having the ex F.I.N.A.L.L.Y. get the rest of his shit out of my barn. The last particular event – yes, it was an event – is what ultimately has set me free from the ex.

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Unfortunately, it involved the police.

That came as a surprise to me but it really shouldn’t have. Despite his claims to the contrary, he LOVES drama. It is what drives him. He gets a high from it. Positive or negative. He has been an adrenaline junkie from the time he was a toddler (his mother confirmed that).

So prior to coming to get the remainder of his things, he went to the sheriff’s department to let them know there could be a potential issue.

ANNNDDDD there was…………..

The man still owes me some money – not a lot – but a few hundred dolalrs that we agreed to out of the thousands he actually owes me. After loading all of his stuff (2 trucks and 1 trailer worth), handing me the registration to my trailer and a pair of my underwear (gag me), he informed me he didn’t intend to pay me. His exact words were “I said I HAVE the money. I didn’t say I was giving it to you”.

FUCKER.

At that point, I said “fine, I’m calling the police”. He took out his phone and called them himself.

Keep in mind, he couldn’t call and say “she’s demanding I pay her the money I owe her”. Nope – instead, to get them to come, he told them I hit him (which I did NOT – hindsite though, I wish I had).

So he and I are in the middle of my driveway (my poor neighbors), he’s on the phone with the police, screaming “AHHHHH, she’s hitting me” (still not hitting him). At some point I hand off the registration and underwear to my son-in-law (totally not thinking) and he hands them off to my daughter. I’m following him around saying “hang up that God damn phone”. Then his 27 year old son steps between us and says to me “You really need to stop. You know this won’t end well”.

REALLY???? Stop what? Stop challenging him? Stop trying to get him to be an adult for once?

And how dear boy do you think it WILL end?

He was insinuating that his father would hit me.

So I walked away.

Ten minutes later, I have a police officer questioning me, my son-in-law and one of my friends about the incident. Now, all three of them (the ex, his son and his son’s friend) are claiming I hit him. Idiots.

Once the police officer realized what was really going on, she left to go talk to the ex. Her partner was with them while she was with us.

The absolute rage that I felt is indescribable. I have always taught my children to say that they strongly dislike something rather than using the word hate.

This is how narcissists roll – they thrive on the drama, the intensity and trying to make everyone think you are the bad guy. I can only imagine what he’s told his family and friends.

That night, I felt true hate probably for the first time in my life. It was almost as bad as sorrow. I felt that way for a couple of weeks. It finally changed to resolution.

I honestly now believe that it had to end the way it did. As painful and frustrating as it was, I needed that ending and to feel that rage to move on – to close, lock, duct tape, nail and glue that door shut.

The thought of EVER reopening that door, makes me ill. When I’ve verbalized that to my friends and family, every one of them has sighed with relief.

It’s now been 10 months since he moved out. I feel like I’m on my way to being whole again, maybe more so than ever before. Note I said “on my way”. It’s a daily work in progress.

I find myself wondering how I ever allowed myself to stay in that toxic relationship for so long. Sigh…. I guess the truly important thing is to never let it happen again.

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Which brings me to the question, HOW do you begin to trust yourself again?

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend filled with love and laughter!

Peace & love!!!

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Continuing to Move On…………

The 9th of this month will be month number 7 since the breakup.  I have to admit, I was not doing very good for a while there.  After this man had been such an utter dick to not only me but also my family and friends, I truly thought him being out of my life would be easy.

It was NOT.

I missed him; I missed having someone snuggle me; I missed having someone to talk to; I missed having someone who COULD do the “boy” stuff around the house.


After some thought and repeated (self-induced) heartache, I realized that I didn’t miss him – I missed who I wanted him to be.  I wanted him to be my soulmate, my other half, my love.  Instead, he was a tyrant who was constantly angry about something and giving both me and my kids a hard time.  I may have loved him but his actions didn’t show that he loved me.

Of course further fueling the hurt was the fact that he moved back in with his wife (no – they never divorced; yes….I KNOW).  Although he continued to insist that he was just sleeping on the couch, the social media connections his sister, niece and sister-in-law are now making with his wife, indicate something completely different.  And it feels like a betrayal – these same people insisted that she was lazy, a horrible cook (IF she cooked), a drug addict and basically didn’t care at all about family or her husband.

And now they’re buddies…………..

HIS FAMILY said these things about her – as did he.  So the question is, were they simply repeating what he told them?  I now believe so.  God knows what he’s telling them about me.

Sitting around being sad about a man who clearly could toss me aside doesn’t change that THAT is the exact thing he did.   He didn’t want to work on the relationship.   It doesn’t change that he used me.  It doesn’t change that my children HATE him.  It doesn’t change him.

It changes absofreakinlutely nothing. NOTHING.

And I think on some level he knows I’m suffering and enjoys that.  It makes him feel important. And that pisses me off.

In an effort to attempt to heal I found a quote that has significantly helped:  “Suffering changes nothing”.

When I start to think about him or them, I repeat it to myself. Nine times out of ten, it’s all I need.  The times it doesn’t work, I ride it out and tell myself I’ll worry about it tomorrow.  Usually by “tomorrow” it’s history.

In the meantime, I’m enjoying my family, my friends and my puppies.  It IS getting easier each day.  I just wish it weren’t taking so damn long!

 

Peace & love!!

 

 

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Why Being A Grandmother is THE BOMB!!

Ok…I’ll admit it – when I first found out my daughter was pregnant with my oldest grandson, I was less than thrilled.  She was young, unmarried and really not ready to be a parent as far as I was concerned.  I was still busy parenting her siblings who were 16, 10 and 6 at the time.  And damn it, I was too young to be a grandmother.

I grumbled, pouted, worried (a lot),  bought some new (fashionable – non “mom”) jeans, went out dancing, tried to act “young”  but in the end, no matter what I did, I was about to become someones Nana.

I was there, holding my daughters leg when her son, my grandson, was born. And from that very moment on, I was smitten.  It is an experience unlike any other and truly can’t be explained – it must be experienced first hand.

That tiny little boy stole my heart and still has it (along with his younger siblings and cousin).  I’ve been blessed to witness each baby’s birth.

He and his sister and baby brother (in the picture) came to visit me today.  The two big ones ran into my office smiling at me with their arms out.

THAT my friends is what its about.  That is how I am greeted each and every time I see them.  My 18 month old granddaughter calls her Nana on her play phone;  my 6 year old grandson begs to come to my house and complains to his mother if he hasn’t seen me in a few days.  When he does see me, he hugs me and kisses me on the cheek – it is the sweetest thing!  Yesterday I met my other daughter and my 3 month old granddaughter at Walmart. Guess who saw me and smiled?  Yep.  I rock! 😉

Being a Nana is simply one of the greatest gifts in my life.

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Healing

 

 

In an attempt to fill the void I have from the breakup – you can read about the breakup here:  http://daphnes-delights.com/2016/03/16/the-breakup/, I decided to make a few additional changes in my world.

So, I began with my home.  When we moved in together a lot of the decor was influenced by my ex.  I tried desperately to NOT make anything too girly (because he continuously complained that his ex-wife always did).

The master bedroom – what it was:  Paint – tan; lamp shades – maroon; bedding – maroon/print – somewhat masculine.

The master bedroom – what it is now:  The paint is the same but I’ve changed all of the bedding.  It’s now soft creams and greys with accents of a light pink.  I’ve included big, fluffy throw pillows with crocheted edging and one sparkly, beaded throw pillow just for fun.

The bedding I purchased was very similar to this Grey Comforter Set.  The throw pillows I bought are to die for – comfy and adorable.  Here are a selection of throw pillows to chose from pink throw pillows.  Now I need to find some girly lamp shades.  I’ve hung up some new artwork, put my craft supplies in his closet so I have easy access to them, and bought myself a soft fluffy blanket to snuggle up with.

I also rearranged my bedroom so it is NOTHING like it was when he lived with me.  I am attempting to wipe the slate clean!

I’ve also been spending a lot more time with my kids and grandkids.  The blessing in all of the heart break has truly been this time with them.  He never liked the kids to be around.  Now, I see them once or twice a week (the ones who don’t live with me).  We have dinner together, go shopping, go to the movies.  It is simply fabulous.

Another void filler is time with my friends because (you guessed it), he didn’t like them to be around either.  I’m able to go to girls night dinners, get pedicures, attend Sip & Paint events, even  *gasp*  have girls nights at my house……which previously was completely frowned upon.

I have even spent a couple of afternoons lying in my hammock.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve had time to read a good book but I haven’t.  I’ve been on the go pretty consistently.  I’m hoping that this winter I’ll be able to get a few good ones read.

Now, even with all these changes and void fillers I still have moments where I’m sad and feel lonely – almost 5 months later.  BUT it IS getting better and when I have those moments I try to remind myself that its only momentary.  And it ALWAYS is.

At the end of the day, my life is much, much better without him.  It’s just the initial change that made it difficult.  Every day it gets a little bit easier.  And I’m sure it will continue.

I’m planning a weekend getaway for me and ALL of the kids this fall.  My heart is filled with absolute joy knowing that they want to spend this time with me.

I am blessed.

Peace and Love to all of you, my friends.

 

 

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The Soulmate Search

 

How do you know if someone is your soulmate or if you even have a soulmate?  Do you need your soulmate actively in your life or do they just pass through, teaching you a few things along the way?  Can your soulmate be your spouse, friend, parent, sibling or child?

Most importantly, where do I find the answers to these nagging questions??

Let’s start with this:  What is a soulmate?

SOULMATE:  noun – a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.

I think each persons definition of “soulmate” is different and unique to their situation.  I believe I have had several different soulmates so far in my life.

The idea of finding your soulmate has been completely romanticized though.  While I believe you do have certain people who you click with, I don’t believe there is just one person for each of us.  I’m not talking about marriage or intimate relationships.

What I believe is that different people mesh with you in different ways throughout different phases of your life.  My close friends each bring a different kind of peace to my life. One is the quintesential mom, one is the “therapist” (partly because that’s her profession), one is the realist, one I can have intellectual conversations with and one I can be my goofiest self with and a couple of them are all those things combined.

One particular soulmate was my last boyfriend.  We brought out the absolute best and the absolute worst in each other.  He both touched my soul and pushed my buttons.

Elizabeth Gilbert author of Eat, Pray Love defines a soulmate this way:

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…

Elizabeth Gilbert – Eat Pray Love

If you haven’t read Eat Pray Love, you really, really should.  It’s an absolutely fabulous book about Elizabeth’s journey to find herself.  Sometimes we need to hear someone elses story before we can find the strength to look for our own.

I believe this was my ex-boyfriends purpose in my life.  The shake you up, tear apart your ego and break your heart open stuff.  I did become desperate and out of control and it became necessary for me to begin to transform my life.   But let me tell you, its scary.  Particularly the part where he left.  But I AM transforming!

So is there another romantic soulmate out there for me?  Gosh, I hope so.  But this time, I could do without the crappy part of it.

I do know that I have been blessed with MANY other non-romantic soulmates.  People who have walked into my life and created sunshine.  I am so very thankful for each of them.

Here’s to the soulmate search!  May it ever be ongoing and may you collect many!

Peace & love!

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Penis Lull

 

 

Although I’m pretty sure “Penis Lull” isn’t a legitimate term or diagnosis, the struggle IS real.

The term sprouted while I was at dinner a few months ago with some friends (a few of us single).  One of my friends said “I’m soooo in a penis lull”.  It is what we have loosely dubbed our current attitude toward the opposite sex.

Penis lull is that kind of “meh” about getting out and dating, coupled with the inability to completely let go of our ex.  While we don’t want the ex’s back and can CLEARLY recite each of their character flaws (i.e. why they’re idiots), we’ve hit an exaggerated dip in the healing process – a lull – and can’t seem to move forward.

Hence, “penis lull”.

On the other side of the coin, a close friend of mine left her husband (of 3 short years) AFTER I broke up with my boyfriend and she already has a new man in her life.  SHE is not in a penis lull.  She hopped right over the dip and jumped back in (and on).

Her breakup was just as, if not more difficult than mine was. So how did she avoid the lull?  Is it simply that she has a stronger self worth than I do?  Does she subscribe to “in order to get over someone, you need to get under someone”?  I personally do not subscribe to that thinking by the way.

I saw her recently and told her that I was still in contact with my ex.  Her response “Do you want me to throat punch you?”  (did I mention she’s a little aggressive?!).

Is her aggressive nature what is keeping her out of the lull?

That could be it!

She is of the mindset that she is not going to let any man bring her down – it is simply NOT going to happen.  So she cut her losses and moved on.  She didn’t lolly gag around and feel sorry for herself.

I want to be able to cut my losses and move on.  I’m not enjoying the penis lull.  It’s horrible.  I have no desire what-so-ever to date.  NONE……..penis lull.

But beyond that, I want to be able to completely let go of the ex.  I want to move on and be ok, really ok, being single.

So what do you do when you think you’re in a penis lull?

Right now, I’m spending as much time as I can with my friends – girl time – delighting in the fact that I can.  I’ve also done a bit of redecorating, crafting, reading, clothes shopping – really enjoying myself.

Is it helping?   Meh………..

😉

Peace & love!

 

 

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My Childrens Father – AKA My Ex

 

 

Within the past two weeks I have done the following:

  • Worked from 8AM-5PM Monday thru Friday
  • Commuted to said job 40 minutes both ways
  • Found out about the death of a friend, attended the funeral and wake
  • Witnessed the birth of my third grandchild after 27 hours of labor – all of which I was there for
  • Taken care of my 12 and 16 year old boys except for the weekend they were with their father (from Friday night to Sunday evening) – which includes feeding them, making sure homework is done, clothes are washed,  children are clean, rooms are picked up, children are happy….etc.
  • Planned meals, grocery shopped (for our household of 4), cooked and served said meals
  • Paid bills (some of which weren’t mine………..)
  • Planned, shopped for and prepared a meal for 15 people – half of whom were my boyfriends family
  • General household duties – ya know, cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning
  • Homework for the 3 classes I’m taking this semester
  • Had my 6 year old grandson one night for a sleepover


Suffice it to say, I’m your typical, busy single mom.  So WHY on this earth do I have to endure my ex, the father of my children, making my life any more difficult? WHHHYYYYY?????

Here’s the issue:  my 16 year old doesn’t like my new boyfriend. Honestly,  I’m not certain he would like any man in my life that wasn’t his father.  How does my ex try to help with this?  By telling the 16 year old he can come live with him if he wants – in a different school district, in an unsuitable neighborhood, and with little to no supervision (from the ex).  W.T.H.????  This, makes the 16 year old incredibly defiant – and why wouldn’t it?  Now, he thinks he has options.  And from his point of view, pretty good ones.

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Here’s what happened:  I receive the 16 year olds five week report from school – not good.  Three, count them, THREE grades below passing.

A little background for you – the rules in my house when there are failing grades are #1.  No electronics   #2.  You’re grounded – period.

After a conversation discussing the rules with him and telling him to hand over his phone, he gets lippy.  My response:  “If you don’t like it, call your father and have him come get you”.  He angrily hops up, stomps off and calls his father with that “I’ll show you” look on his face.

Now, I know how this is going to go – I’ve parented with this man for over 25 years.  I KNOW he doesn’t want full time kids (he never did), I KNOW he won’t come get him (it would be too much of an inconvenience) and I KNOW that somehow he will twist the situation to blame me.

Ten minutes later I find the 16 year old crying in his bedroom because his father won’t come get him.  Shocking.  I feel horrible for him – absolutely horrible.

I get him back downstairs to talk.  He hands over his phone.  He understands he’s grounded, asks “how long”.  I tell him as long as it takes for him to get his grades up.  He’s still crying.  He’s heartbroken.

I’m heartbroken for him.  This is not how it is supposed to be.  The reality, however, is that it IS how it is.

Why would a parent do that to a child?  Why would they tell them they could come live with them if it wasn’t true?

There it is – there’s my rant.  I hate this co-parenting thing – I hate seeing my children hurt.

My hope is that they know I am always here for them.  ALWAYS.

I know so many of you have gone through similar situations.  I would love to hear how you handle it.  How do you cope and make sure you’re doing everything humanly possible to raise happy kids?

Peace and love my soul sisters.

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Our Fostering and Adoption Journey

 

 

As an adoptive parent of two children who were in foster care, I can tell you there is no greater joy.  The boys we adopted – who were 2 and 6 when we adopted them – have been two of the biggest blessings of my life.

Unfortunately, not all adoptions turn out well.  There are many horror stories out there and trust me, I was worried.

Our intent initially was to foster until we found a child, preferably a baby, to adopt.  Our first placement was a twelve year old girl who I will call “A”.  Let me tell you sister, fostering a twelve year old girl is not for the faint of heart.  Fostering, in general, is not for the faint of heart.  It takes a very special person or couple to take in these children, most of them wounded and sad, and care for them like they are your own.

I think some people also have the misbelief that foster and adoptive children should be grateful to be in a “good” home.  First of all, they’re children; few are grateful for anything these days.  Second of all, 98% of them have seen, felt and experienced things that would bring you to your knees.

Our foster daughter had been abused by her step-father and discarded by her mother when the court said this young girl could no longer live with her step-father.  A’s mother had a choice to make and she chose the man over her flesh and blood.  I can’t tell you the number of hours A spent sitting on my lap, rocking and sobbing that she didn’t have a mother.  It was heart wrenching.  On top of that, there was substance abuse, physical abuse and God knows what else that she witnessed prior to coming to us.  She would make references to drugs and sex that I had never heard before.

Even though we were able to get her settled into our home, she kept acting out in school and eventually had to go to a different school district, which meant she had to be moved to a new foster home.  At the time, my daughters were 11 and 13.  They couldn’t understand why A acted out the way she did and why she had to leave.  My youngest daughter was heart broken when A left.  I was too.

So it was at that point we decided we would simply (ha.ha.ha.) adopt rather than foster-to-adopt.

After our experience with a pre-adolescent we decided we didn’t want a child any older than 10.  We were willing to accept a sibling group but no more than two children.  Sounds simple enough – HA HA.

Well, our county generally doesn’t have young children who are adoptable so we kept getting calls for older children.  We kept saying no even as guilty as we felt about it (and it really sucked saying no).  Our caseworker sent our homestudy out to other agencies across the country and we were finally matched with two boys ages 2 and 6. Keep in mind that we were into this process by about 7 months.

We drove 6 hours to meet them.  I knew the instant I saw them that they were my children.

You see, ever since giving birth to my second child, I’d felt like someone was still missing from our family.  I longed for another child.  I prayed for another child.  Almost daily………..I can’t adequately explain the empty feeling I had where this child was supposed to be.  And then, after a 6 hour drive and laying eyes on my sons, the feeling left me.  It’s never returned.

I’m not going to say its been sunshine and roses, because it has not.  Raising children, in general, is not.

The adoption process itself was long and stressful. The six year old had some behavioral issues.  The two year old spent the first week throwing up all over everything because he was so upset.  I have Never in my life been vomited on that much.

But here we are, 10 years later.  Two of the loves of my life – blessings, absolute blessings.  I wouldn’t change a thing.  it was all worth it – the wait, the stress, the vomit – all of it.

The lesson in all of this, for me, has been that the universe has a plan.  We fight it, try to manipulate it and ultimately find that it’s necessary to relinquish ourselves to it.  I’m so thankful the universe sent me these boys.

I hope the universe sends you what you’re wishing for.  Have a blessed day my soul sisters!!!

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Paris and Orlando

 

 

This was originally written about the attacks on Paris in November of last year.  I’m so sad that there has been yet ANOTHER instance of hatred that has resulted in the loss of innocent lives.

Being the mean mom that I am, when my children use the word “hate”, I tell them “we don’t hate – you may strongly dislike something but hating it is unacceptable. Hate is ugly.”

I then make them repeat whatever statement they made using “hate” and replace it with “I strongly dislike….broccoli or rain or school or my brother”.
After a few times of this, they  generally don’t ever use the word “hate” around me again.

My daughters were 11 and 7 in September 2001.  I felt they were too little to watch the news coverage of the terrorist attacks but they talked about it in school and we talked about it at home.  I explained to them that this was an act of “hate”.  That there was a hate driven attack on people by other people who had never even met one another.

As they grew up, they began to understand what I meant about “hate”.  I can tell you that I have personally used the word hate.  For example, I hated that my daughter became an addict;  I hated that I couldn’t help her;  I hated what it did to her.  There may have even been a point where I thought I hated those she was involved with at the time.  I can honestly tell you that I didn’t “hate” them – I did however very, very strongly dislike them.  They, too, were someones child.  Even with my own sorrow about MY own child, I would never want anything bad to happen to someone elses.

Everyone at some point or another in their lives feels what they believe to be “hate” toward something or someone.  This past weekend, while watching the news about the attacks in Paris, my 16 year old son came into the room.  He stood for a bit quietly watching the broadcast, seeing the horrible images and turned to see me silently crying.  I said to him “THIS is hate.  Hate is not something every person feels in their heart.  The people who did this felt hate”.     He nodded and hugged me.  I think he’s beginning to understand.

My heart goes out to the people of Orlando and all victims who have been affected by these terriorists.  My heart grieves for the families of the lost sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers.

HOW I wish the world were a different place.

Peace and love to you all.

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Five Things to Do For Yourself

 

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So, with the weekend on the way, you really need to take some time to indulge.  I wanted to post this as an example of something I do for myself and now that warm weather is finally here, I can!  To me, lying in a hammock is as luxurious as taking a bubble bath or getting a massage.  And being able to have this view is a bonus!

First, you need to decide that it’s ok to take some time for yourself.  It will feel uncomfortable – push through that feeling.  You deserve some “me time”.  We all do.  It took me a long time to realize and accept that it was ok.  I’ve actually gotten rather good at it!

So what five things can you do for yourself right now that don’t cost a mint and won’t take you hours?

#1.  Take a bath

Seems simple enough but what I really mean is, send the kids with your husband, turn on some music, light some candles, put a cup of epsom salt and 2 drops of lavendar oil in the tub and go soak.   If you don’t want to listen to music, pick up a book and start reading.  You need to spend some time in the tub and really, REALLY relax.

#2.  Read a book

Ok, you can’t sneak away to the tub.  Grab a book and head to your bedroom.  Or carry a book with you to work and find a place to read for 20 to 30 minutes a day.  Losing yourself in a story is a great way to destress.  My favorite indulgence these days is listening to audiobooks.  Check out this link, get a free trial membership www.audible.com and see what they have that interests you.  I think you’ll be surprised.  I find that there are times when I can’t silence my mind enough to focus on reading a book but listening to a book is a whole different experience.

#3.  Craft

Do you enjoy crafting but never have the time to indulge in it?  I keep a skein of yarn, a pattern and a crochet hook on my night stand.  The satisfaction of making progress on a project is emence even if it is slight progress.  I love to crochet – as a matter of fact, I have a yarn addiction.  I also love to sew but my sewing machine is too big for my night stand! 😉  JoAnn Fabric, Craftsy and Pinterest have great, free projects.

#4.  Go shopping

ALONE.  Enough said.  Ok – not enough.  Go somewhere other than Walmart or the grocery store.  Go to a craft store or that little gift shop you don’t dare to take the kids in.  Wander around – you don’t have to buy anything – just enjoy yourself.

#5.  Purchase an exercise video (and actually  use it)

It doesn’t have to be a complicated workout video.  You need something to get your body moving.  A beginner yoga video or a stretching video.  Set your alarm 15 minutes earlier and get up a couple of times a week to do the video.

The bottom line is this:  You are important.  You do a ton of things for everyone else every day without complaint.  You run yourself ragged.  Take some time this weekend and do one thing for yourself.  It will invigorate you.  At first, it will really be uncomfortable taking the time away from everyone else.  Just push through the feeling and sink into the tub of water.  It will be fine – it will be better than fine – IT WILL BE FANTASTIC!

Have a wonderful weekend!