The 9th of this month will be month number 7 since the breakup. I have to admit, I was not doing very good for a while there. After this man had been such an utter dick to not only me but also my family and friends, I truly thought him being out of my life would be easy.
It was NOT.
I missed him; I missed having someone snuggle me; I missed having someone to talk to; I missed having someone who COULD do the “boy” stuff around the house.
After some thought and repeated (self-induced) heartache, I realized that I didn’t miss him – I missed who I wanted him to be. I wanted him to be my soulmate, my other half, my love. Instead, he was a tyrant who was constantly angry about something and giving both me and my kids a hard time. I may have loved him but his actions didn’t show that he loved me.
Of course further fueling the hurt was the fact that he moved back in with his wife (no – they never divorced; yes….I KNOW). Although he continued to insist that he was just sleeping on the couch, the social media connections his sister, niece and sister-in-law are now making with his wife, indicate something completely different. And it feels like a betrayal – these same people insisted that she was lazy, a horrible cook (IF she cooked), a drug addict and basically didn’t care at all about family or her husband.
And now they’re buddies…………..
HIS FAMILY said these things about her – as did he. So the question is, were they simply repeating what he told them? I now believe so. God knows what he’s telling them about me.
Sitting around being sad about a man who clearly could toss me aside doesn’t change that THAT is the exact thing he did. He didn’t want to work on the relationship. It doesn’t change that he used me. It doesn’t change that my children HATE him. It doesn’t change him.
It changes absofreakinlutely nothing. NOTHING.
And I think on some level he knows I’m suffering and enjoys that. It makes him feel important. And that pisses me off.
In an effort to attempt to heal I found a quote that has significantly helped: “Suffering changes nothing”.
When I start to think about him or them, I repeat it to myself. Nine times out of ten, it’s all I need. The times it doesn’t work, I ride it out and tell myself I’ll worry about it tomorrow. Usually by “tomorrow” it’s history.
In the meantime, I’m enjoying my family, my friends and my puppies. It IS getting easier each day. I just wish it weren’t taking so damn long!
Peace & love!!