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My Transgression

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When I slept with my ex-boyfriend just a few weeks after he’d moved out, I was thinking maybe we could be “friends with benefits”, really only because I have no desire at this time to start dating and, frankly, I need to get a little once in a while (don’t we all?!).  He’s familiar and still turns (turned) me on.  But deep down, I think I was afraid to let go completely.

What I clearly didn’t think through, however, was that in my ex’s mind, by sleeping with him, I was re-opening the “window” (so to speak) of opportunity for him.  I think he believed he would be moving back in to my house within a relatively short period of time.  Not happening.

So, he came over for dinner, we cooked together like we use to and ate;  we watched tv for a while; we snuggled and then we fucked.  In between all these things, he smoked, drank, critiqued, smoked some weed, critiqued some more, whined that he misses me, smuggly looked around the house like “yep, she’s gonna need me soon – she can’t handle this on her own” and then smoked more weed.  Did I mention he’s always high?

He also has trouble sleeping, so he was up most of the night watching tv.  When morning rolled around, I was up and busy doing housework and homework.  At approximately 11:00AM, when he still wasn’t up, I took him a cup of coffee, sat on the bed and ever so gently woke him up.

Why did I do that?  Let me tell you why – the man needed to leave.  I honestly couldn’t wait for him to get the fuck out.

All this time I thought I missed him.  Turns out, not so much.  What I miss is who I thought he was or better yet who I pretended he was.  Who ever he really is though, is not someone I like – at all.

Now when I look into his eyes, I swear to God he’s crazy.  And when he tries to give me his sad, puppy eyes and says he misses me, I almost want to laugh because it is so damn fake.  I find myself wondering what it was that I even saw in him to begin with.  I can’t even wear the jewelry he gave me without gagging a little.

This whole process has completely sucked. I knew it would which is most likely why I avoided the breakup for such a long time.  I still find myself having “poor spells” – just the other night I sat in my car in the driveway and bawled.  Then parked my ass in the tub with a beer and some ice cream.  BUT I got through it without contacting him.    That night he texted me a heart and a kissy face – I didn’t acknowledge it (still haven’t).

Will I date again?  Probably.  Am I going to live my life for myself?  Hell Yes! ABSOLUTELY!  Will my standards for the next man be higher?  If they aren’t, someone needs to kick my ass.

Ladies, life is short – BE HAPPY, love yourself, you are enough.

I know we all get caught up in the everyday things that go on in our lives and don’t take very good care of ourselves but please, please, please try.

Peace and love girlies!!

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